The first post of 2018

It has been a long time since i've written anything here, over 6 months at least, this could be last post for another 6 months, who knows?

I guess the most important update I have is that i'm driving now, I passed my driving test and I have a car, a car which my parents paid for but nevertheless I still have a car. I've lost count of the number of miles i've driven since August but it's at least in the thousands, possible 2000, somewhere around that number, i'd need to find my travel logs for work and add up all of the journeys. The car mainly has just been for work but it's still handy to use when I want to get around or if I something to do that requires me to travel and which I don't want to have to use the bus for.

Having a car has changed things in my life to quite a considerable degree. I bitched before about the money I was making when it came to work. Doing all of those hours and not getting paid much for it. Even though i've gotten a raise or two i'm still not making a whole lot of money but it's the driving that's making all of my money for me. All of those 100+ mile journeys make a difference to my pay check. I could give up supervising and still make more than enough money to make it worth it just from driving.

I honestly don't know how I feel about supervising at the minute. At the start I was in some rocky territory, i'm still probably in that territory though to be honest. Things could be going better, I could actually be getting some training for instance rather than just being thrown into the deep end and hoping that i'll come out swimming. I've already said to the managers that I felt like I was getting in over my head and that I wasn't comfortable with the position I was being put into and they've listened to a degree but I still feel like too much is being asked of me and I just can't say no.

Saying no shouldn't be so hard for me to say but it is. I guess i've always been that way, I have the want or need to please people or not to disappoint anyone. You would think after 29 years I would have developed a backbone but it seems not.

Health and fitness

Growing up I was always a pretty energetic kid, that energy probably came from the sugar that I was main lining in my veins, it may also have been because of my issues with sitting still and paying attention. I never wanted to/could sit still for long, I was always up and running about my house and out my back, playing on the swings or on the climbing frame that I used to have(which was probably a death trap by the way).

I always wanted to be outside playing which must have driven my parents mad, i'll always give my parents the credit due to them, I wasn't an easy child, there was only so much they could do to keep me in check, the rest was on me.

Even into my teens I was always outside with friends skateboarding or cycling or any number of things that kept me in good shape and off the computer and out of the house.

During those years growing up I always had a pretty bad habit of eating far too many sweets, my teeth can attest to that fact. Even though I was running about a lot and keeping active to some degree I was still my weight in sweets and drinking sugary drinks. Most people know that you can't out exercise a bad diet, sooner or later it's going to catch up with you and you're going to start putting on the pounds and getting winded walking down the street. That point came when I was around 18 or 19.

With the freedom that university and student loans gave me my diet really took a nose dive binge eating territory. I remember what I would have when I made it onto the Jordanstown campus each day. Each day consisted of me eating Subway sandwiches followed by chocolate, drinking large Redbulls and calorie dense hot chocolates. You have to understand, this was what I was eating when I was at University, what I used to eat at home was probably much worse, if I was hungry at night, or even  just bored and wanted something to do I would put a pizza in the oven and eat that. This could be 12 in the morning or even later but i'd basically be having another dinner, no wonder I put on weight. I also used to spend a lot money going to the local Chinese takeaway, I basically became a regular, the same now that i'm becoming a regular at the off license, but that's a topic for later.

It was probably around that time that I injured my shoulder, an injury that still plagues me to this day, among other ailments.

The strange thing about my shoulder injury was how I got it. I wasn't doing anything strenuous, I wasn't doing weights or twisting and turning in the wrong way. I was lying on my side in bed and was rolling my shoulder when I felt a sharp pain, it only lasted a second but it was something worrying. I don't remember it hurting too much at the start but as time went on I started having issues carrying things with that arm, I couldn't hold things for long so after a while I went to the doctor and got prescribed Naproxen, an anti-inflammatory drug which was supposed to have helped, as far as I can remember it didn't exactly work, i'm pretty sure it gave me insomnia for a week or so while I was taking it, maybe it was one of the side affects of the drug, maybe it was just me.

After that I guess things progressed, I carried on with my life and with my injury which eventually progressed to the other shoulder, so it wasn't just a fluke, my shoulders were that out of sync. While it progressed the issues it caused got worse, I started having even more problems with getting to sleep, getting comfortable and doing everyday things. A smart person would have gone back to the doctor but it took another few years before I did that, why oh why did I wait so long?

When I went to the doctor the second time I had blood taken to check to see if I had any other underlying issues that might have caused my injuries, whether it was something that could affect my joints like arthritis or some other condition.

X-Rays were next, a further check to see whether I could have any onset symptoms of arthritis, also fortunately negative.

The physio came next, this was were real progress was made in finding out was going on in my body. I wish I had only got a referral to the physio sooner, or even if I was just more active in my teens, all of this pain and discomfort may never have fucked with my life.

The physio told me that I control issues with my shoulders, that they were doing much more work than they should have and that I needed on to do some work on them to get into working order again. I had a few appointments with the physio where she showed me a few different stretches and exercises I could do to strengthen my shoulders. I managed to stick with them fully for those few appointments but after that I got lazy and failed to stick with the routine, routines just never seem to work for me, maybe i'm just too free spirited, or too lazy, or both, there could be countless reasons for me not being able to stick to the routine set out for me, doing the exercises 3 times a day, they only would have taken me 10 minutes at the most but that seemed like too much effort to me. I manage to do them now and again but I just can't seem to get back into doing them regularly like I should be doing. My shoulders are suffering for my laziness.

During the long period where I was jobless and goal-less I got a gym membership, those first few months I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I just did random sets of weights with no goal in mind. I had no idea about what kind of physique I might want to try and attain, I guess starting from scratch at a gym can be quite a daunting experience for some, especially so if you're like me and don't ask for help.

I finally found an app I could use that gave me a rough idea about exercises that I could do, I managed to get into a routine, a shock I know but for almost a year I was going to the gym regularly, at least 3 times a week, more if I had the energy. I was probably in the best shape of my life at that time, my shoulders still weren't in the best of conditions but I could see the progress that I was making, both visually and in the increased range of weights I was lifting. If only I could have maintained that for longer, looking at me now it seems like i'm a lot further back than from where I started, getting closer to my heaviest weight in at least 6 years and looking almost as bad as I did back then.

With all the free time I have at the minute I should be going to the gym as often as possible, that's not the case though, I seem to just sit about and do nothing worthwhile, I could be out exploring the world but no, I sit in and browse the internet aimlessly or sit on my Playstation for hours on end. It needs to change, change is good, I should be accepting that I need to change things but i'm far too comfortable where I am.

Ideas

Ever since I first started journaling all those years ago I always struggled to write something original, I felt like I was always coming back to the same topics, writing about the same things each time, bitching about things not changing.....

I guess it's about time I try and create some structure to my writing, I don't want to be writing about the same thing for years and years, i'd feel like I wasn't getting anywhere. I guess when I was younger I didn't exactly have a whole lot going on in my life so there wasn't too much to write about. That's only slightly the case now though, I think in some cases i've matured quite a bit and in other aspects of my life I probably haven't changed too much.

Even though in real life it may not seem like I have much to say I know that online or even just on paper I feel like I can write quite a bit, even if it's just rambling, that's still something to me. I've never been structured in my writing though.

There are so many different topics to choose to write about, getting coherent ideas on paper or in a blog is going to be a new thing for me. Structured writing is a must have for any journalist or fiction author, it's an essential skill for anyone that has to write for a living, or even just for communicating ideas.

If you were trying to read instructions for building something you don't want them to be garbled, you don't want to have to jump between pages to get to the right step.

I feel like I can say my whole life has been one big unstructured mess, from the start line to where I am now I don't feel like i'm in front of everything, i'm meeting one hurdle after another just a little bit too late. I should have predicted some things sooner, I should have known that I would need to make some decisions that could affect my future yet I put them off for too long.

I have a list of ideas that I would like to write something about, I think I could make a good enough attempt at them. I know i'll make mistakes and there may be times where i'm not making a whole lot of sense, that's ok, I know i'm going to make mistakes and I know that my writing not be the best or I might not have anything ground breaking to say, that's also ok, my opinion matters.

My city

Do I even know how to describe Belfast accurately???

I guess it's worth a shot. 

Going from memory I really only know why local area to a certain degree. I think when tourists come here they're more than likely going to have a better understanding of my own city than I will.

Belfast is the capital city of Northern Ireland, many people would have an issue with me calling it Northern Ireland and not the North of Ireland but to be honest I just stick to it's proper name, tourists who don't know much about Ireland aren't going to understand the issue some people have with what to call our country, let alone the issues that have been raging on for hundreds of years probably.

I don't think I could accurately explain the issues myself so it's probably best for me to just stick to what I know, which isn't a lot mind you.

Compared to other cities around the world Belfast isn't that big. I actually had to Google what the population for Belfast is, According to Wikipedia the City of Belfast has a population of 532,928, it's safe to say that most of the population of the country is situated in and around Belfast. Even though i've spent my whole life in Belfast I know for certain that there are whole areas that I haven't been to or heard of. I've probably ignored or haven't thought about 2 whole compass directions of my city( I don't know if that makes sense but fuck it). I couldn't tell you where North and East Belfast start or meet let alone how to make my way between them. It's sad that I would need a map to make my way to certain areas of my city.

A friend has put up a lot of photos  on Facebook  where he has been going to all of the cultural parts of Belfast and doing some of the more uncommon things. I wish I could do that more. I think if I have the time tomorrow, oh who am I kidding? Of course I have the time.... Anyway I think I might make a wee visit to the Ulster Museum, it's not something I would have ever thought about doing when I was younger but I think it's about time I do some exploring of my own city. I could probably go to the Titanic Museum as well if I get up early enough. 

The thing i'm looking forward to the most about finally having my driving license is the freedom i'll have to explore my city like I never could have before, or at least had the inkling to. 

If someone asks me something specific about a place I want to have the answer, I want to be able to direct people to certain sites and even give my own recommendations about where to go and what to do. At the minute all I can do is shrug and say I don't know or I can't tell you much about that place.

I've lived in this country for all of my 28 years and I haven't seen or been to somewhere that's only a few miles away from me. 

Decisions, decisions.

I haven't worked a whole lot recently, all of this free time has made me question whether I should move on or not from this job. I don't know whether it's rewarding enough for me, this lull in work is definitely making me think it's not worth it to stay. The other part of me is thinking I should just tough it out and try and work with what i've got.

I've almost gotten my driving license now so i'll be able to fully come on to the supervisor track in my work, I think i'm firm enough in my position that it's worthwhile to go ahead and progress as far as I can while I consider looking for another job or even trying to find a part time course to do while i'm working. I'm still at the point in my life where I have no idea what to do with the rest of it. I'm getting closer and closer to 30 and i'm still as clueless as I was when I was 16. I can keep looking and hope that i'll stumble on something that i'm unexpectedly good at, or I could stay on track with this job.

I can do a lot of bitching and whining and questioning about what my life but it's not getting me any closer to figuring out what the right career path is for me. I've had this conversation 1000 times with myself and I haven't gotten any closer to the truth.

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!!

Time

It seems like i'll be having a lot of time off for the next few weeks, there doesn't seem to be a lot of work at the minute, with only a few sparse days each week i'll have plenty of time to myself. I really should try and be productive and do what I can to be productive and maybe learn something new.

It seemed like when I didn't have a job I could keep myself occupied for hours without getting bored. That's not the case now though. Having to try and plan my time accordingly is still a major problem for me. I'm just not an organised person at all, maybe it's because I have some ADD issues or maybe i'm just lazy in general, I just can't stick to a schedule and I can't keep myself from getting distracted. Getting distracted is one of my biggest flaws, who knows what I could get done if I managed to sit down and make the effort to read or to listen to a podcast or watch some type of informative video. I can do half of those things at a quarter attention, I try to do them all at the same time, that's where the dilemma is.

Looking back at my childhood I was always easily distracted. I was medicated for a few years, I was taking Ritalin during Primary School and into secondary school. Should I have kept taking it as I got older? I don't know the answer to that question but in my opinion the answer is probably yes, a great big resounding yes as well.

When I was young I couldn't sit still to do anything,  I always wanted to move around, I never wanted to sit still and do homework, i'm surprised I managed to do any homework at all. I have to thank my parents though, without their help I probably wouldn't have finished primary school on time and I definitely would have been held back even further in secondary school.

Now that i'm a lot older I wonder if I would be able to make it through school again, would my issued be even greater than they were when I was younger? Has my attention span taken an even bigger dive? Maybe it's because i'm always tired now because of work or I have too many devices on at once, I can only take in so much at one time, I can't keep track of what i'm doing anymore. I try and read an interesting blog post or news story and I find another one that interests me as well so I change to that while leaving the other one unfinished.

That's the way things go with some books as well, I have a mountain of books that I haven't finished or haven't even made an attempt at yet. I just buy book after book and then just ad them to the pile.

I guess it does seem like i'm making some progress with this blog post, usually I would have been distracted by something and moved on leaving this unfinished but I guess today i'm sticking to it.

I want to get back to the gym and lose the pounds i've been gaining, or at least just try and get slightly less unfit and make myself look slightly more flattering to look at.

Getting a proper nights rest is probably a good start though, my sleeping pattern is always going to be fucked up and I know i'm not doing myself any favours by staying up any later.

My return!

I knew this would happen, I knew I wouldn't be able to maintain this blog for long without a long break. It's like my written journal, it seems like I only write whenever I can't think of anything else to do. I should be able capable of a whole lot more than this, it's been almost 4 months since I last wrote in this, that is if my maths is correct...

So what have I done in that time? I could have said I was far too busy with work and with my life to write in this blog but that would be a lie. I mean sure i've had a few weeks where I haven't been able to do a whole lot more than work. I guess I just didn't make the time to write more. Even without work i've had plenty of time to do more than just play on the Playstation and watch TV, I really haven't done much more than that though.

I guess the biggest update I have for my many readers( crickets....) is the fact that i'm in the process of getting my driving license again, i'll get the test eventually, 5 attempts down, I have another few in me for sure..... I got back into doing driving lessons with the encouragement of my boss in work and a few suggestions from friends. I guess I sort of just jumped back into them again. The crazy thing about it though is the fact that I still knew how to drive, I had all the gears down fine, control wasn't an issue, learning all of the maneuvers again was and still is my biggest concern, as well as the observation and trying to eliminate all of the dumb mistakes i've been making. It was the dumb mistakes that made me fail the driving test so many times before in the past. Those small lapses in judgement however minor ended up being major. I haven't crashed the car yet but there's still plenty of time.

I'm still going at my job, i've been at it for over a year and a half now, and to think the longest job i've had before this one lasted only 3 months or so, i'm not a failure yet! I went ahead and put my name forward for supervisor training, I haven't exactly had a whole lot of training yet though. It's mainly been a few hours in a classroom type setting going over bullet points and reading from a booklet, not exactly the most interesting stuff.

I've also been somewhat interested in the technical side of things when it comes to doing the PFS, at this point i've only just been observing the supervisor doing it with me, I guess i've picked up a few things but i'm far from being at the point where I could do all of the computer stuff on my own, that's probably still a long way off.

Onto my social life, or what passes for a social life for me these days anyway/

I guess I haven't exactly been that social these last few months, other than birthdays and the odd night out I haven't really gotten the chance to be social with my friends. I don't know whether playing Playstation games and talking over a microphone counts as being social.

A big shocker for some of my friends would be the fact that I went on a date a few days ago. It wasn't that successful but at least i'm getting myself out there again. The last date I had was a few years ago and that really wasn't that successful either. I guess I can't really go on one date every few years and expect that things are going to miraculously go my way. I need to get out more, a lot more/

I guess on the social aspect me going for the supervisor training is a big plus, I mean it could still end in a major major failure and emotionally cripple me but I guess i'm getting more of a chance to talk to other people in a more professional way.