Another post of updates

I guess it's time for me to get back to writing again after yet another break!! I've had plenty of opportunities to sit down and write but i've been distracted and have wanted to do something less taxing on my limited attention span at the minute haha.

I've realised that I should be doing more with my limited free time from work. I should be more productive and maybe try and give back more to the community and maybe or should i say most definitely to my friends and family. 

I've realised that i've been acting like a hermit and ignoring checking in with friends and family, something i've probably been doing for quite a long time. I guess I just have that kind of avoidant personality, yay!

I know i'm rambling but it's been a while so I think i'm well within my right to ramble and vent, it's one of my favourite past-times, it's one of the reasons why I got into journal writing in the first place! 

Anyway....

I guess one of the biggest updates I have to share since writing my last post is the fact that i've started medication again for ADHD! It's still early days for me with treatment, I know I can't improve in life with medication alone. I have to try and work harder to set some firm goals and get a routine going again. It's obviously much easier to write about than to put into practice. I've written before about wanting to change for the better, I guess the medication is a new element to it, I know that I can't just act like before and hope that things are going to automatically change, hard work is required, something I struggle with doing haha. 

I think I need to start keeping a notebook with me at all times and attempt to write important things down, i've made attempts at it before but they didn't last for long.

Setting the routine has and always will be the toughest thing for me to accomplish, I can start to commit to something and then completely forget about it or dismiss it soon after as taking too much effort or i'd make the excuse that I don't have the time, it's true to some degree but I know I can set at least an hour or so out of my day to try and work at things.

What else is new?? Hmm, oh yes, it seems like i've jeopardised my friendship with Kevin by not thinking for a second before I gave an honest answer about something important.... This happened a few months ago but only now do I know the extent of how i've hurt him. If I could have gone back to that moment I would have taken a second and really thought about how I felt, in reality I didn't, I rushed ahead without pausing to consider what I was going to say... I know I can't go back but I know if I could i'd take back what I said. The longer I leave it though the worse it's going to get for me. He could actually still think that I feel that way about him. 

He said he felt that i'd only want to come and visit him just to take advantage of his hospitality and try and have a good time at his expense. That's not how I feel at all!!! I value his friendship more than anything else in the world. He has always encouraged me to open up and try new experiences, both socially and with learning new things. I would go to him for advice and he would always listen to me, almost completely judgement free lol. 

I would hate to think that i've forever changed things between us. Yes we don't talk every week but we can always get back to where we were just from a simple chat. He phoned me a few weeks out of the blue and I really appreciated the chat we had, I wish I could just take the time to do stuff like that myself, I always feel like i'm intruding in people's lives whenever I do that though, I know that's not the case but I still feel like it's true anyway.

I want to just message him and clear the air once and for all, I don't want to continue to make him think that's he a bad person, I don't feel like that at all.

Weekends Away Part Two

In my last post I ended by rambling about the shopping I did in Dublin before my weekend really began. Hopefully this time i'll be able to put a lot more salient detail into this post and get past the first hour of my trip in Dublin.

After leaving St Stephen's Green Shopping Centre I did actually make it all the way over to Kevin's work, that 2 miles was such a hard drive... not really. I left for Dublin early because I thought the traffic was going to be bad in the city centre, that really wasn't the case at all, I was able to make the drive in about 10 minutes or so which meant I was quite early so I had some waiting to do before I could get to Kevin's house, it wasn't too bad a wait, I sat and listened to music while resisting the urge to take a nap.

It was well past my dinner time before I made it to Kevin's house!!! Sacrilege! I met Kevin's friends Emma and Brendan who I had met a few times before, the last time being up in Belfast last year, they're good people, Emma is very friendly and seems pretty energetic, as does her boyfriend Brendan, I can't say i've spoken to him much, even after the weekend we had together.

I made it Kevin's house just in time to order food in, it was actually perfect timing to be honest, everyone there was in the process of ordering food, I was definitely getting peckish, we had stopped at an off-license to get some essentials so I was well prepared for the weekend I thought was coming, drinking and walking about Dublin, how wrong I was.

The Friday night was fairly relaxed, I don't think I was in the mood to go out and go mad, that's just not me anymore. We had dinner while having a few drinks and talking about a whole range of things, the most important being the 'feud' with Fintan, Michael and Rachel which I thought was just a stupid drunken argument, how wrong I was, I apparently didn't hear the whole story, harsh words were said which I guess had been waiting to come out for a while, whether things have blown over or not I don't know, I could probably do a whole other post about what's going on but i'll refrain from gossiping which I think it would come off as.

It's definitely good to have a relaxing night in before any madness happens, tiredness was a factor with that decision, sure you can go out and have a few drinks when you're feeling a bit tired but I was in no way prepared to go on the rip, like I said, I just don't do that anymore. After dinner the PS4 was turned on, usually that means that the conversation has run out and things are getting quiet, but in this case it was a good call. I was introduced to the TV show Nailed It, it is the pinnacle of bad TV. Nailed It is an American reality cooking/baking show, the hook being that no one in the show can bake or cook, there were some successes so it wasn't a total failure, the thing that make it's a bad show was the presenter, a woman who felt the need to interject with stupid catchphrases. It's the type of show you hate to watch but can't turn off, we all found ourselves saying the catchphrases at appropriate times during the weekend.

Saturday began with a nice homemade breakfast, i'll always get fed well whenever I go to Kevin's house, you never know what's on the menu.

After breakfast the adventure began. I had to drive to Bray, where we would going for the walk. I was expecting a long drive, I had conflicting information on how long the drive would take, it only ended up being about 20-25 minutes so it wasn't too bad. I really don't think i'd ever want to do any longer drives in the Republic, I have enough trouble with long drives up north. Bray itself is a fairly small seaside town, reminiscent of Newcastle up north. I got the obligatory photo of the beach which I had to post to Facebook, it did get some good reviews, I have a career as a photographer if I want it.... ha!

We walked along the seafront until we got to the start of the walk/trail . I actually think the last time I was at the beach was Newcastle about 4 years or so ago, it had been a long time that's for sure. I do like the beach, I can't say I enjoy swimming in the ocean, we don't sea eye to eye, the fucker did try to drown me once, the feud will last for an eternity.

The weather was perfect, I picked a perfect time to go down, there was a cool sea breeze and you could see for miles.

The next day was where all the fun started. The long hike. It's thanks to this hike that i've gained an interest in hiking/walking but it was a killer to be honest, it wasn't something i'd ever prepared for and it wasn't something I was expecting. I'm definitely lucky that I went and bought a proper pair of hiking boots and comfortable trousers, trying to do Ticknock in jeans and a pair of trainers would be an irresponsible and very dumb decision, hopefully my friends and the other people who were with me would have told me that I didn't have the right equipment and it wouldn't be wise to take the chance to do the walk.

Fortunately I made the impulse decision to go to the Trespass store in St Stephens Green shopping centre and bought appropriate footwear and trousers.

The walk itself was interesting, the views were amazing, the only issue was the fact that it was tough and i'd never done ANYTHING like that before!!!! My first hiking experience and I walk up a big mountain in a place i'd never been to with friends, hell, I didn't even know what their experience levels were when it came to walks like this, we all could have been out of our depth but luckily it was a crowd of outdoors people, adventure seekers and intelligent and hopefully wise adults!

It's thanks to that weekend away in Dublin that i've gained a healthy respect for hiking and have picked up the hobby.

Weekends Away Part One

My trip to Dublin at the weekend wasn't a typical one. On my previous visits a large part of my time was spent drinking alcohol or just walking around the city and seeing the sights. This trip was different though. For starters I drove down myself in the Fiesta, me, driving 100 miles non-stop into another country, into an unknown city... Yikes. That's what my thought process would have been just a few years ago for sure.

The drive down itself was uneventful, you can't exactly get lost, it's basically all motorway until you get to the outskirts of the city, then it's just main roads. It is still the longest drive i've ever done so far in the 8 months or so since I passed the driving test and got a car.  Quite an accomplishment I have to say, minor to some but a big deal to me. The motorway wasn't the hard part though, driving into Dublin itself was a fun experience, I didn't exactly know where to go to park so I put one of the only places I knew into my sat-nav and drove there, the place being St. Stephens Green, a shopping centre in the heart of Dublin city centre, a place i'd been to before for my job.

I'm actually glad I actually stopped there to be honest, at first I just thought i'd be there just for a few minutes, that I would get in contact with Kevin and then drive on to his work an pick him up. A few days before though he had mentioned that if the weather was good we could go for a hike just outside of Dublin, something I had never considered doing before but wasn't opposed to. I took a look in a few stores for any outdoor clothes or shoes, I was going to give up before I saw the Trespass store by chance. Trespass is a well known retail store catered to the outdoors, I can't say i'd ever been any of their stores before but I was aware of them.

I basically bought the first pair of shoes I saw in my size, not a lot of thought went into that purchase. I didn't check to see whether or not they were waterproof or water resistant, I only tried one shoe on, I didn't walk about in them to see how the fit was or if they were comfortable enough to wear. I did try the trousers I got on and checked the label to see whether they were waterproof, one out of two isn't bad. I was also lucky that there was a sale on, i'm not sure how much I saved but it was probably a good a fair amount. I'm sure i'll come to realise how expensive good outdoor clothing is.

Like I was saying before I was sidetracked, I went into the shopping centre just to wait about for word from Kevin on where I was going to pick him up, I thought he had moved location from where he had been previously, i'd been to his office before so I knew where that was but I was unsure if he was still there, he was. I probably should have found that information out before I set off for Dublin, it would have saved me the time, I wouldn't have had the chance to go shopping though and looking back on my visit nearly a week later I don't think I would have had the chance to shopping when I got into Dublin.

I'll cut this post short for now and end here, thanks for reading everyone! Echoes......... Until next time!

Exciting news!!!!

My oldest sister came to visit for the weekend and she shared some exciting news, she's expecting a baby in the Autumn!!! I'm going to be an uncle!!! Uncle Niall, to be honest i've actually been looking forward to that title! I wasn't sure for certain that i'd ever actually be an uncle though, I didn't know whether it was something to expect from my sisters but I guess i've been proven wrong!

So in September there'll be a new addition to the family!! I'm actually quite excited about it to be honest, I think i've always wanted to be an uncle, it could be a test to see how I do around babies/children seeing as i'm not around kids at all. All of my cousins are grown up and they're having kids of their own but i'm not close enough with them to be a part of their lives. I see the photos but I don't know if i'd ever have the opportunity to actually see them, maybe it's because the the majority of them live in the country and i'd only get updates from them from my parents or just seeing it on Facebook.

I guess there's going to be a lot happening this year for us, some it expected like Helen's wedding and the weddings of two of my other friends weddings but now in September there'll be a baby!! 

I really do need to book flights over to Wales now to see Fiona, I really won't have an excuse anymore, not that I had a legitimate excuse in the 6-7 years preceding. I could definitely be a better brother and I really hope I can be a good uncle to my niece or nephew, I just smiled saying those words so I guess it really is something to be excited about. 

I'm looking forward to being able to spoil the baby and fawn over it, I never really knew I had that type of personality but I guess i've just never had the change to express that side of myself before. I guess we'll see how well I do with the new responsibilities at the end of the year, i'm hoping to be attentive and actually act like I actually care rather than just being emotionally unavailable, that might be the right term for how I act, apathetic could be the extreme end of the spectrum but I guess I could be further to that side than I want to be.

The first chance to see the baby in person will be at Christmas if not sooner. I wonder whether my sister will want my parents to be there for the birth or at least there to help out for a week or so whenever the baby does arrive. 

The first post of 2018

It has been a long time since i've written anything here, over 6 months at least, this could be last post for another 6 months, who knows?

I guess the most important update I have is that i'm driving now, I passed my driving test and I have a car, a car which my parents paid for but nevertheless I still have a car. I've lost count of the number of miles i've driven since August but it's at least in the thousands, possible 2000, somewhere around that number, i'd need to find my travel logs for work and add up all of the journeys. The car mainly has just been for work but it's still handy to use when I want to get around or if I something to do that requires me to travel and which I don't want to have to use the bus for.

Having a car has changed things in my life to quite a considerable degree. I bitched before about the money I was making when it came to work. Doing all of those hours and not getting paid much for it. Even though i've gotten a raise or two i'm still not making a whole lot of money but it's the driving that's making all of my money for me. All of those 100+ mile journeys make a difference to my pay check. I could give up supervising and still make more than enough money to make it worth it just from driving.

I honestly don't know how I feel about supervising at the minute. At the start I was in some rocky territory, i'm still probably in that territory though to be honest. Things could be going better, I could actually be getting some training for instance rather than just being thrown into the deep end and hoping that i'll come out swimming. I've already said to the managers that I felt like I was getting in over my head and that I wasn't comfortable with the position I was being put into and they've listened to a degree but I still feel like too much is being asked of me and I just can't say no.

Saying no shouldn't be so hard for me to say but it is. I guess i've always been that way, I have the want or need to please people or not to disappoint anyone. You would think after 29 years I would have developed a backbone but it seems not.

Health and fitness

Growing up I was always a pretty energetic kid, that energy probably came from the sugar that I was main lining in my veins, it may also have been because of my issues with sitting still and paying attention. I never wanted to/could sit still for long, I was always up and running about my house and out my back, playing on the swings or on the climbing frame that I used to have(which was probably a death trap by the way).

I always wanted to be outside playing which must have driven my parents mad, i'll always give my parents the credit due to them, I wasn't an easy child, there was only so much they could do to keep me in check, the rest was on me.

Even into my teens I was always outside with friends skateboarding or cycling or any number of things that kept me in good shape and off the computer and out of the house.

During those years growing up I always had a pretty bad habit of eating far too many sweets, my teeth can attest to that fact. Even though I was running about a lot and keeping active to some degree I was still my weight in sweets and drinking sugary drinks. Most people know that you can't out exercise a bad diet, sooner or later it's going to catch up with you and you're going to start putting on the pounds and getting winded walking down the street. That point came when I was around 18 or 19.

With the freedom that university and student loans gave me my diet really took a nose dive binge eating territory. I remember what I would have when I made it onto the Jordanstown campus each day. Each day consisted of me eating Subway sandwiches followed by chocolate, drinking large Redbulls and calorie dense hot chocolates. You have to understand, this was what I was eating when I was at University, what I used to eat at home was probably much worse, if I was hungry at night, or even  just bored and wanted something to do I would put a pizza in the oven and eat that. This could be 12 in the morning or even later but i'd basically be having another dinner, no wonder I put on weight. I also used to spend a lot money going to the local Chinese takeaway, I basically became a regular, the same now that i'm becoming a regular at the off license, but that's a topic for later.

It was probably around that time that I injured my shoulder, an injury that still plagues me to this day, among other ailments.

The strange thing about my shoulder injury was how I got it. I wasn't doing anything strenuous, I wasn't doing weights or twisting and turning in the wrong way. I was lying on my side in bed and was rolling my shoulder when I felt a sharp pain, it only lasted a second but it was something worrying. I don't remember it hurting too much at the start but as time went on I started having issues carrying things with that arm, I couldn't hold things for long so after a while I went to the doctor and got prescribed Naproxen, an anti-inflammatory drug which was supposed to have helped, as far as I can remember it didn't exactly work, i'm pretty sure it gave me insomnia for a week or so while I was taking it, maybe it was one of the side affects of the drug, maybe it was just me.

After that I guess things progressed, I carried on with my life and with my injury which eventually progressed to the other shoulder, so it wasn't just a fluke, my shoulders were that out of sync. While it progressed the issues it caused got worse, I started having even more problems with getting to sleep, getting comfortable and doing everyday things. A smart person would have gone back to the doctor but it took another few years before I did that, why oh why did I wait so long?

When I went to the doctor the second time I had blood taken to check to see if I had any other underlying issues that might have caused my injuries, whether it was something that could affect my joints like arthritis or some other condition.

X-Rays were next, a further check to see whether I could have any onset symptoms of arthritis, also fortunately negative.

The physio came next, this was were real progress was made in finding out was going on in my body. I wish I had only got a referral to the physio sooner, or even if I was just more active in my teens, all of this pain and discomfort may never have fucked with my life.

The physio told me that I control issues with my shoulders, that they were doing much more work than they should have and that I needed on to do some work on them to get into working order again. I had a few appointments with the physio where she showed me a few different stretches and exercises I could do to strengthen my shoulders. I managed to stick with them fully for those few appointments but after that I got lazy and failed to stick with the routine, routines just never seem to work for me, maybe i'm just too free spirited, or too lazy, or both, there could be countless reasons for me not being able to stick to the routine set out for me, doing the exercises 3 times a day, they only would have taken me 10 minutes at the most but that seemed like too much effort to me. I manage to do them now and again but I just can't seem to get back into doing them regularly like I should be doing. My shoulders are suffering for my laziness.

During the long period where I was jobless and goal-less I got a gym membership, those first few months I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I just did random sets of weights with no goal in mind. I had no idea about what kind of physique I might want to try and attain, I guess starting from scratch at a gym can be quite a daunting experience for some, especially so if you're like me and don't ask for help.

I finally found an app I could use that gave me a rough idea about exercises that I could do, I managed to get into a routine, a shock I know but for almost a year I was going to the gym regularly, at least 3 times a week, more if I had the energy. I was probably in the best shape of my life at that time, my shoulders still weren't in the best of conditions but I could see the progress that I was making, both visually and in the increased range of weights I was lifting. If only I could have maintained that for longer, looking at me now it seems like i'm a lot further back than from where I started, getting closer to my heaviest weight in at least 6 years and looking almost as bad as I did back then.

With all the free time I have at the minute I should be going to the gym as often as possible, that's not the case though, I seem to just sit about and do nothing worthwhile, I could be out exploring the world but no, I sit in and browse the internet aimlessly or sit on my Playstation for hours on end. It needs to change, change is good, I should be accepting that I need to change things but i'm far too comfortable where I am.

Ideas

Ever since I first started journaling all those years ago I always struggled to write something original, I felt like I was always coming back to the same topics, writing about the same things each time, bitching about things not changing.....

I guess it's about time I try and create some structure to my writing, I don't want to be writing about the same thing for years and years, i'd feel like I wasn't getting anywhere. I guess when I was younger I didn't exactly have a whole lot going on in my life so there wasn't too much to write about. That's only slightly the case now though, I think in some cases i've matured quite a bit and in other aspects of my life I probably haven't changed too much.

Even though in real life it may not seem like I have much to say I know that online or even just on paper I feel like I can write quite a bit, even if it's just rambling, that's still something to me. I've never been structured in my writing though.

There are so many different topics to choose to write about, getting coherent ideas on paper or in a blog is going to be a new thing for me. Structured writing is a must have for any journalist or fiction author, it's an essential skill for anyone that has to write for a living, or even just for communicating ideas.

If you were trying to read instructions for building something you don't want them to be garbled, you don't want to have to jump between pages to get to the right step.

I feel like I can say my whole life has been one big unstructured mess, from the start line to where I am now I don't feel like i'm in front of everything, i'm meeting one hurdle after another just a little bit too late. I should have predicted some things sooner, I should have known that I would need to make some decisions that could affect my future yet I put them off for too long.

I have a list of ideas that I would like to write something about, I think I could make a good enough attempt at them. I know i'll make mistakes and there may be times where i'm not making a whole lot of sense, that's ok, I know i'm going to make mistakes and I know that my writing not be the best or I might not have anything ground breaking to say, that's also ok, my opinion matters.